Having self-confidence means being secure in yourself and your abilities. Confidence is coming from a place of understanding and knowledge. When you understand something and get well with it, you start to feel confident about it.
What is then sexual confidence?
For me, to be sexually confident means to know your body, mind, sexual energy and desires very well. How can we be body-confident if we do not accept and appreciate our body? How can we be sexually-confident if our sexual energy is unknown to us? How can we have sexual confidence if our mindset is set up to shame and guilt?
The fact is that nobody is born with a sense of confidence. We must acquire confidence. Remember yourself when you were a little child. When you have learned to ride a bike, you weren’t super confident in what you are doing, but after some time you gained the feeling. Same is with us, to become secure and confident about our bodies and sexual energy will take some time and practice.
First, let’s identify the problem, what is on the other side of sexual confidence? Of course, it is a sexual shame and guilt.
The sexual shame contains shame about the body, shame about being sexual, shame about your specific desires or sexual orientation, shame around sex, and shame around the menstrual cycle.
We are not born with shame and guilt, we have acquired it during our lifetime. So, our task is to unlearn shame and guilt and to build confidence, so that we can become the embodiment of our wild divine feminine side.
Body shame means that we are ashamed of how we look, we can’t accept our body image, and we feel bad. We can assume that we are too slim, too fat, how our nose is too big, our breasts are saggy or too small and so on. I used to see only disadvantages of my body before like my nose is quite big, my breasts are too small and disproportional to my body, I could have a slimmer waist, my lips are too thin, I have cellulite, and so on.
SHAME ABOUT BEING SEXUAL
The shame about being sexual is a negative feeling you have when you think of yourself as a sexual being. You can have the thoughts like I will be slutty, only bad girls do that, I’ll seem cheap, that is not moral to do, and similar. This is especially emphasised in sexually repressed culture, in which I grew up. I was for a long time hiding from my sexual energy, being scared to admit to myself that I have sexual desires. I was self-pleasuring myself, but when I would be thinking about having sexual experiences, I would shamefully repressed my thoughts, fearing that I would be seen as a bad girl or slut shamed.
SHAME AROUND SEXUAL DESIRES
Shame around specific desires will produce thoughts as I will look like a pervert, he will think I am not normal, how can I wish for that, and similar. Before I had a negative mindset toward any sexual desire and fantasy, I used to think how it should be done only between two people (man and woman), and without any sex toys. Now, I got to the point where every sexual desire and fantasy, of any human being, is completely ok with me, as long as no one is hurt in this.
SHAME AROUND SEX
Shame around sex will make us see the sex as something wrong or sinful. Making us uncomfortable to even hear the word sex, to talk about sex and our sexual experiences, or event to have sex. I never thought of sex as something sinful or wrong, but I did have these feelings after sex. Whenever I had sex, I was enjoying during the act, but afterwards, these feelings would unfold, making me feel like I have done something wrong, or how I am a slut or a whore now. If the guy I slept with was not my boyfriend at that time, I would feel very ashamed of myself.
SHAME AROUND MENSTRUAL CYCLE
Some women have this type of body shame as well. Some fundamental religious preaching describe women’s menstruation cycle as something sinful and dirty. In some western countries period is seen as a natural condition, but still it may feel very unpleasant to many women, making them feel like they are impure in that period of a month.
To become sexually confident you will need to get rid of all shame that is deeply rooted in you. You will have to reset your mindset.
Do you know that things that were repeated to us as we were growing up have become our paradigms? These paradigms are controlling our behaviour.
So, if you believe how sex is sinful and dirty, you will never actually enjoy it. If you think of how your body is ugly and unattractive, you will never be able to love yourself unconditionally or to be sexually confident. If you have any type of shame, it will eventually lead you to dissatisfaction.
Feelings of guilt and shame are like some evil curses thrown at you, disabling you to be natural, free and sexually confident. Let’s break this ugly curse and put some magic spell on you called sexual confidence.
The steps in breaking the ugly curse and gaining sexual confidence:
1. DO THE RESEARCH WHERE THE SHAME IS COMING FROM
Contemplate on your root cause of your sexual shame- were your limiting beliefs, and feelings of sexual shame installed in your subconscious mind due to religious preaching, media messages, conservative family upbringing or else. The shame and guilt that I had, were coming from all mentioned sources, but mainly from the conservative culture and environment, in the country where I was brought up. I remember how during the high school period, all the girls who were expressing any form of sexuality were hugely shamed. Guys would ask a girl with how many guys she had slept before him, and every girl who had more than three sexual partners was considered a whore (as at the same time guys were considered to be cool). I had to hide my period away from all the male family members, and not to mention to let them know that I have had sex. Religious teaching has taken its role in this, making me feel like dirty and sinful.
2. DO YOU AGREE WITH THESE BELIEFS OR NOT? WHY YES AND WHY NO?
Do you really
3. CHANGE THE STORY
Change your point of view, read and inform yourself. Transform the negative mindset toward sex, sexuality and your body into the positive one. Start looking on sexuality as something sacred, beautiful, amazing and normal. Stop talking how your body is ugly, how you are a fat cow, stupid, immoral, slutty, and start talking positively about yourself. As well stop shaming others.
4. DO THE AFFIRMATIONS
Why affirmations? Affirmations are very powerful, coz they change your mindset completely. Our subconscious mind is running a program, that program is created by repetition, so if you have repeated many times that you are ugly, this is your program now, your paradigm. Paradigm is conditioning our behaviour, so if your paradigm is to be ugly, you will walk, talk and do everything like an ugly person. For example, you will never have the courage to wear some dress coz you think that you are ugly, after you change your paradigm, and set your program on beauty, your behaviour will change as well. You can even create your own positive affirmations and use them to change your life.
5. CREATE YOU OWN RITUALS OF SELF AND BODY CARE
Creating rituals will shift your mindset like nothing before, they will help you to unlock the sensations you never experienced. Body care will improve your body relationship with your body, making you understand how the body is your best friend and your sacred temple. Send love, compassion, and care to your body. One of my morning rituals is breast massage combined with Yoni egg, yoga, and my daily planner.
6. EXPLORE YOUR SEXUALITY
Explore your sexuality in a safe environment, as I mentioned before confidence is coming from a place of knowing something very well. It is the same as you enter the unknown woods, in the first place it will be scary, and you will be insecure. After enough time being in the woods, you will gain confidence and could even be there by night. And, if you don’t know how to give pleasure to yourself, who will? Also, when you do it on a regular basis, your body will rewire itself to pleasure, and it will be easier for you to reach various types of orgasms, body sensations, and pleasures.
7. BE OK WITH YOUR SEXUAL DESIRES AND FANTASIES
Every human has some desires and fantasies! All your fantasies and desires are perfectly fine as long as they are not hurting any living being!
Embrace your desires and fantasies, they make you unique! I will share mine with you now so that you see it is not a big deal. I had a fantasy of having a threesome, and I have tried it, in my case, it was very interesting and exciting. I have one unrealised fantasy, and it is a bondage. I am waiting for the perfect moment and alignment for this.
After you determine where your shame is coming from (First two steps), inform yourself and change focus (third step), then take action steps for gaining sexual confidence.
What will sexual confidence bring to you?
Developing sexual confidence will change your life to the roots. You will be loving your body for what it is, not wanting to change a thing. What you considered once to be ugly and unwanted, you will now look on as your uniqueness!
You will be feeling your sexual energy, loving it, leading in through your body, turning it into magic (sex magic) and amazing Orgasms. You will awaken your sensual and wild side, you will be radiating sexiness, confidence and glow. You will know to set up healthy boundaries and to say out loud what you do like and what you do not like to be done to you.
A woman having sexual confidence is happy, filled with love and joy, glowing, radiating, walking strong, fulfilled and so much more. And this energy can be felt in all of her life fields, from the relation with herself, through her relationships, and how she does the things.
Her cup is filled, sexual energy is rushing through her bloodstream, making her to be like a Goddess. A wise goddess who connects her Yoni and heart trough rituals, ancient knowledge, and old practices.
The path from feeling shameful, lost, not being present in the body, unsatisfied with your look, not feeling the sexual energy, to becoming a sexually confident woman will not happen overnight, remember that.
It is a process and will require your commitment, compassion, action, and love. Be gentle toward yourself through this process, don’t judge yourself, and give yourself enough time. It is normal that you will not feel your affirmation when you try it for the first time, and when you try it for the 20th time you will know to embody the emotion and feeling. You haven’t gained confidence in your bike ride after the first ride, it required time and challenges.
Through this process you will be challenged, maybe it will be hard to say to yourself I LOVE YOU in the mirror, it will be hard to unlearn something that you have been learning for years, there will be many unpleasant things, fear of unknown and hardships. But, without pain and struggle, there is no real growth.
As you already know after the rain, a rainbow is coming. The time has come for you to take action and change how you live your life, no one can do it for you, it is up to you.
You can choose to continue living without the pleasure and beauty, or you can create juicy life dripping of pleasure.
Not everyone is able to go through all this alone, and that is totally fine and understandable. Sometimes you know what you want, but you don’t know how to get it, and then you may ask for someone’s help. If my energy and message resonates with you, then I might be a good sexual confidence coach for you.
If you feel deep down in yourself that you want to unlock all your potentials and pleasures, that you want to turn your mud and stagnant energy into a beautiful Lotus and become a Goddess like woman than take the mentioned steps and unlock your potentials. Give yourself permission to become a multiorgasmic woman knowing her worth! A woman who is bursting out of her sexual confidence!