To be self-confident, it means that you believe in yourself and your abilities, and feel secure. In my previous article “How to be sexually confident” I sad that having sexual confidence means to know your body, mind, sexual energy, and desires very well. Not only to know but also to accept and love all that is mentioned.
In this post, I am going to list seven reasons why you may be lacking confidence in bed. Even identifying with only one of them, it may be the huge block toward your sexual confidence. But don’t worry, the first step of every transformation is acknowledging and admitting what is our problem.
The seven reasons why you may be lacking confidence in bed
1. Fear of how others will percieve us
Have you ever rejected to try out something of fear that your partner may think negatively of you, or that you may look stupid? Have you ever silenced your moans fearing that you may be perceived as a slut by your partner or maybe even neighbours if they hear you? Worrying how others see us is blocking us from being ourselves, authentic and genuine. Therefore we are not confident about being ourselves in terms of sex, as we are afraid of being ashamed or embarrassed.
The solution to this is to identify whenever you start thinking of how you may look to others, to stop this voice in your head and just be yourself.
2. Constant Comparison
We tend to compare ourselves to the ones we assume are better than us. It is not in our nature to compare ourselves to the ones we believe are less than us, as we always want to be better. And, when we do this, we are becoming anxious, and we lose our self-confidence. For example, you may be comparing yourself to society established standard of beauty, to what you see in porno movies, or what you have heard others can do. I remember myself being so extreme in comparison, that I even have tried to find out how good in bed were ex-girlfriends of my boyfriend. Comparison is very painful.
To overcome this issue, you have to understand that this is the game of your Ego. This is not you. Your soul already knows that you are perfect as you are. And the only person to whom you should compare yourself is yourself from yesterday. When you compare yourself from yesterday and see progress, this is the moment when the self-confidence is born.
3. Lack of knowledge and skill
We have self-confidence when we know something very well and have enough experience. Have you spent enough time to explore and get to know your body, and what is pleasurable to you? Do you know where G spot, cervix, AFE zone, prostate aka male G spot, are? How many times have you actually been down on your partner, or in a specific position?
So, you know what you have to do now. Go and educate yourself about the anatomy of sex organs, sex positions, how to give and receive pleasure, get to know your body and what is orgasmic to you, and practise it until you master it.
CAUTION: I am not advising you to go and have sex all over the place, as this may have horrific consequences on your physical, mental and emotional health.
4. Lack of Self-love
Whether you don’t like how your body looks, how you sound, the smell or taste of your skin and Yoni, the way you look in a particular position or fantasies and desires you have, your confidence may be significantly influenced by disliking any of these. When you love yourself, then you accept yourself with all your virtues and flaws. In my article “Body love and our society” you can understand better why you may be lacking body love.
The secret of falling in love with yourself is laying in the art of acceptance. The more you can accept yourself, the more you can love yourself. The life-changing cognition for me was that we are more than our bodies and that our energy is what really matters. In the end, the most important thing you need to know about sex is that sex is the divine exchange of energy, and our body is the vessel for this. How not to love it then?
5. Wanting to be perfect
Wanting to look perfect, to be perfect in performance, or anything else is crushing your confidence, consequently making you feel devastated. The porn industry is partly guilty for this as it is never showing all the aspects of sex, and their actors always look ‘perfect’. They don’t show the sweat, cellulite, fat, natural body sounds that our body may produce (like vaginal farts), people taking brakes, falling out of bed, having emotional releases, awkward moments and so on. And when any of these real moments and things happen to us, we feel horrible.
The only cure to this is letting go of perfectionism, understanding that nothing is perfect, it can’t be, and it will never be. Actually, beauty is on the other side of perfectionism.
6. Negative Mindset
A negative mindset and limiting beliefs are the main obstacles toward your sexual confidence. If you are focused on your disadvantages, having thoughts of not being enough, thinking that you are horrific, a failure, and similar, can you be confident? As well, having limiting beliefs like: “Sex is sinful”, “Only sluts do that”, “The doggy position is disrespectful”, “Good girls don’t wish for that”, etc., may block your confidence tremendously.
List down all negative thoughts about yourself, and all limiting beliefs you have. When you become aware of them, then you can transform them. In changing limiting beliefs and negative mindset of big help are meditations, visualisation, presence in the Now, affirmations and some other tools. You have to take time and energy for this, the change won’t happen overnight.
7. Fear of rejection and negative outcome
Having the fear that your partner may reject you, be insulted or simply won’t be able to accept what you suggest in bed is blocking your confidence. You may also be worried about how will your partner react to all your fantasies and desires. Firstly your fantasies and desires are all normal as long as they hurt no one. Secondly, you have to accept the fact that your partner maybe won’t want the same, but this should not stop you from expressing yourself. Thirdly if your partner is not trying to understand your wishes and desires, and is not trying to hold safe space for you to experience them, is he/she the right one for you? I advise you to never hold back from expressing your truth, no matter how scary it may be for you at the moment.
These were the seven reasons why you may be lacking sexual confidence. To sum up, you should love yourself, your body and your desires. This will help you to overcome the fear of how will others perceive you and you will stop comparing yourself. Work out on your desire to be perfect, as well on the negative mindset. Educate yourself and practise what you have learned. The more you are doing one thing, the better you will become, and you will feel more confident. And never be afraid of rejection or negative outcome, it may show you is your partner the right one for you. Is he/she willing to grow with you, or they are not ready for that.
If you think that you can’t overcome these issues alone, you can always check out my services and book a free call with me. I will be more than happy to help you on your path of building sexual confidence so that you can have wonderful sexual experiences, many orgasms and meaningful relationships.